Joseph/ Mom
Oh Joe what can I say do you hear me I often wonder. I talk to you every day even when I'm alone in the car. It's awful for a parent to be without their child like this. Some times I get so afraid that I will never ever see you again. Growing up Catholic I've been promised that when I die I will be with my loved ones again. Dare I hope that this is true? Some times I think it's all a fantasy and that I will never ever see or touch you again and it makes me CRAZY just sick. I try not to think like that because then I will want to do nothing not even live. I want to believe that one day you and I will be reunited. I tell myself you hear me. I have been blessed by giving birth to you and I would do it all over again. I can hear you getting angry at me babe but I honestly loved you so much. You were so unique so compassionate and so funny. I miss your stories and your ability to make me laugh. I am so sorry that you developed this illness that not only destroyed you but a big part of me too. I guess I write here to feel better because lord knows you will never read this but then I think perhaps as I write these words you are looking over my shoulder. If that is true and let me pretend that it is then I want you to know that I love you I always loved you I will never stop loving you or missing you. With each happy event there is always for Lynn and myself sadness. Sadness because you are not here with us. There have been hundreds of times through the last 4 years and 3 months that Lynn and I have said "I wish Joseph was here" or "I wish I could talk to Joe" or "I wish Joe could see this or meet this person in my life" my God the list goes on and on. When I cook I think " I wish Joseph was here to help he would have loved this" and I know you would have said to me "mom it came well". There has not been one day that has gone by since that awful Mei of 2005 that we have not missed you or longed to hug you. I know that there were some very bad times very hard lonely sad harsh times but there were also very funny happy silly playful thoughtful times as well. I miss you Joseph so very much. I hope the promise that I've been given is true and that one day I will be able to see that beautiful smile of yours and walk right into that great hug. Love you Joseph Always did Always will! Close
Today is 4th of July a holiday that you once LOVED. I hold all of the memories of our past 4th's in my heart. You used to be so excited to have "fire works". I remember you, Linney and grandpa on this day, having so much fun. I think of the pool, and then dinner and your anticipation of the "fun" to come. Waiting for it to turn dark, gathering up all of the rockets, etc. You just couldn't wait. I can hear you and Linney laughing and see you running around outside getting everything ready.
I miss "us"...so much, so very much. I miss all of our happy times all together, you, Linney and grandpa and me, being the mother watching out for "saftey". I wish I could go back to those times of you "happy, light, carefree" You were the happiest little boy, and the happiest young boy. You, me and Linney such happy, wonderful, magical times.
I miss you, Lynn misses you, we will never, ever be the same. No matter what holiday, no matter what life changes there is always and forever that vacant space you have left. You were half of the biggest most important part of my life and that part is now gone. Half of me lives in this world, and the other half has gone with you.
I hope that you will look from paradise tonight upon all of the fire works that will light the night sky and know that on the tail of each one rides my love, right up to paradise, to YOU.
Somehow this marker of time, 4 years, is harder than the others that came before. I ask myself why? and I realize it's because with each passing year it becomes more apparent that I am never going to see you again, at least not in this life.
I wish you could know how much I love you. I miss my boy.
May 9, 2005 - worst day of my life! and it was just the start......the only peace I have comes from knowing that you are not suffering, not in pain any more!
AM I ANGRY? / MOM
Someone asked the question "Are you angry at your child" and I thought about it, and felt about it:
I am not angry at Joseph I am angry that his illness stole him from us. It came upon him and us like a thief in the night and stole my innocent, intelligent, compassionate, loving boy right before our eyes, just like it did on May 9, 2005. Joe's illness stole him from us on that morning just as it did 8 years earlier, only this time it took him from us not only mentally, and emotionally but physically as well!
Am I angry...you bet I am. I'm furious at an illness that would destroy such a talented, loving, giving, real human being. I am furious at a world that was only too willing to hurt him. I am sickened by the mental heath profession. I am so tired of a society that for the most part is so critical of those who are weaker. I am furious that we have been robbed of our son, brother, nephew, friend, boyfriend. I am tired of saying "I miss my son"...I am tired of missing my son, the smell of his hair, his rough cheek when I kiss it, his terrific laugh and sense of humor, his big hand to hold as he would cry. And cry he did, and suffer he did. My son Joseph was not perfect. You show me one human being who is. No, he was certainly not perfect but he was damn close to it.
I can tell you that he never, ever once made fun of any person...ever. I can tell you that he deeply cared about and was extremely sensitive to those who were hurting or suffering. He wanted to make a difference. My son was brave and courageous and he stood alone many times though very difficult circumstances that would have broken someone else.
I am angry at those who hurt him in any way. I am furious with those who were supposed to be there to protect him when I was not...I hope they suffer as I suffer because in part I blame them for my son's death, yet at the same time I know that his illness is ultimately his executioner.
Am I angry at my son...NO, NO, NO and I could not scream that any louder. My son was a victim of his illness just as I am a victim of his illness and of his death. I can't stand thinking about him laying in a fucking coffin. So, I make myself, will myself to stop that thought. But if this thought and then picture of my boy comes into my mind I want to throw myself on the floor and go beserk...I want to down bottels of vodka, I want to run and run and just simply drop dead. I can't stand the pain of knowing that his body, the body I had a part in creating is dead. I am angry at death...death that robbed me of my son, death that is constantly hovering over me.
I don't do any of those things. I don't throw myself on the floor, I don't drink until I pass out, I don't eat until I want to throw up, I don't lay in bed with the covers over my head, or lay on the floor in a fetal postion sobbing....not any more!! I did all of those things for 3 years. I went down a very dark road. Last year on February 2nd I prayed and spoke to God. God who I had left in the dust. God who I blamed more than any one else. I talked to him and then to my son. Help me, I asked. Help me, stay with me and give me strength. Joe, I asked, lend me your courage the same courage that helped you through the long, sufferng years. And God did, and Joseph did...and I did!!!
I stopped smoking. Joe always wanted me to stop smoking. I stopped. I had smoked for over 30 yrs. I said Joe "any suffering I get from not smoking is nothing comapred to what you have suffered, I welcome it! If I can know a touch of what it is to suffer mentally, emotinally and physically while craving something...so be it! I quit smoking. I lost 64 lbs. and I found that walking and walking...walking and not stopping for hrs. helps. I joined the gym. I am the healthiest physically I have been in years. I owe this to my son and of course my daughter. My daughter Linda, my gift from God! Joeseph always my buddy, my teacher...still giving me gifts, still helping me to find courage and to find God.
Am I angry...still angry but not at Joe, never at Joe...God bless you Joseph. Today you walk in the Garden along side Jesus. I see you there with this totally loving being. And you are so animated and happy...your only sadness comes from my pain and Linney's pain and so we try, really try to "lighten up" for your sake. It will be 4 years next Saturday Joe. Be with us, be with me...help me Joe.
I LOVE YOU JOSEPH...I LOVE YOU SO VERY MUCH, SO PAINFULLY MUCH, FOR ETERNITY JOSEPH...YOU AND I ARE TIED...FOREVER. THE CORD IS INVISIBLE, BUT IT REMAINS STRONG, OUR TIE IS INVISIBLE BUT IT REMAINS LIKE STEEL...IT CAN'T BE BENT, EVER. I LOVE YOU KID...I LOVE YOU ALWAYS mom Close
I come here and look at your pictures. You are so alive and so vibrant in them. I wish I could will you out of them. It is so painful to bury your son, your child. You can't imagine the pain I feel, all of the time. I know what you would say to me, I hear it loud and clear and I understand, but still, I'm the one alive with the hole in my heart, missing you the boy you were, my only son, so much. No one who has not buried their child could ever, ever understand. I bet people think that time has helped....boy are they WRONG. This pain never, ever goes away, this longing for my child never stops. He and I are tied forever together. Sometimes Joe I am so angry and I realize how much your death has changed me. I was your mother for 23 years and who you were and our relationship is captured in my heart. Every sad song I hear that is filled with longing makes me think of you. When I see a small boy with your coloring I want to reach out and hold him to me and hug him....I can't tell you what your death has done to me, I can't express this sorrow to anyone because words can't and don't adequately portray the depth of my misery and sorrow. I will carry you in my heart until the day I die and then if it is all true we will be together in paradise on the day I die. I hope so much that this is true because I want to see you again, I need to see you and hug you again..........Until
I love you my sweet boy....always did always will mom Close
Missing you... Christmas makes it all so much more painful. I keep hearing your laughter, through childhood, when you were just a little kid. You were so delighted and so excited by Christmas. You and Linney had so much fun. I can't listen to Christmas music. It makes me want to scream! It fills me with even more memories and it is just so painful and sad.
I don't have a tree and didn't last year either. I have no desire for it. Linney is okay with it. We both feel your not being here so much every day and it is now even more painful, if that is possible, with the holiday. Having a Christmas tree here would just be a constant reminder of how sad I am.
I hope so much that you are in a beautiful place and I also hope that you are aware of how much we love you and think of you every day, every night...we miss you, I miss you, you are just beyond my physical hug, but I feel you in my heart, in my life every moment. How can death destroy our bond, It cannot! I won't let it!
Happy Christmas baby.....Give Jesus a hug for me mom Close
WE REMEMBER THEM: IN HONOR OF ALL SUICIDE VICTIMS / Mom Read >>
WE REMEMBER THEM: IN HONOR OF ALL SUICIDE VICTIMS / Mom WE REMEMBER THEM A Jewish Prayer
At the rising of the sun and at its going down, We remember them . . . At the blowing of the wind and the chill of winter, We remember them . . . At the opening of the buds and in the rebirth of spring, We remember them . . . At the blueness of the skies and in the warmth of summer, We remember them . . . At the rustling of the leaves and in the beauty of autumn, We remember them . . . At the beginning of the year and when it ends, We remember them . . . As long as we live, they too will live; for they are now a part of us, as we remember them . . . When we are weary and in need of strength, We remember them . . . When we are lost and sick at heart, We remember them . . . When we have joy we crave to share, We remember them . . . When we have decisions that are difficult to make, We remember them . . . When we have achievements that are based on theirs, We remember them . . . As long as we live, they too will live; for they are now a part of us, as we remember them . . . . . . . . Close
Always Thinking About You / Linney (sister)Read >>
Always Thinking About You / Linney (sister) I can't help but wonder what life would be like for us now if you were still here with us. This reality is unbelievable... I miss you.
Thinking of my boy / Mom
My boy that's what he was and is my boy, my son Joseph. My first born child. I fell in love with him the very second I knew that his heart was beating below mine. The love for this child, the anticipation grew with each passing day until the day of his birth. March 18th, 1982 is the day that Joseph entered this world. It is the day that God gave me a perfect little boy. Joseph was my son in life and remains my son for eternity. His smile, his laughter, his jokes and those silly times we shared are a part of my very life. His hurts, his tears, his pain are also a part of who I am, who we his mother and sister have become. He was an extremely loved person and he was an extremely loving person. He had his moments of anger, his moments of words said that he wished he could take back. He was a real person, he was a good person. Joseph was not perfect but he was the genuine deal. He was never, ever a phony a fake. Joseph was the bravest person I have ever known in my life and I admired his bravery greatly. I miss my boy, my child, my forever young son. He made me laugh so much, he made me cry so much, he always made me feel so much. Three years have past since I last hugged my boy and I cry and cry when I think of that. It breaks my heart that I could not be there to comfort him in his final moments, to hold him and carry him home. I know that God, Jesus and our Blessed Mother were there with him and that they raised him into the light. Joseph believed in God, Joseph is in paradise and finally there is no pain for my boy, my child, my son. I want to hug you, I want to laugh with you and smile with you and hold that big hand of yours. I miss you my boy..........................always. until I see that beautiful face of yours and get that big hug from you ....................I miss you mom Close
I miss u terribly / Mom
Joseph I miss u so terribly. I keep thinking of that day when I was hugging you and you were crying and now I need you to hug me because I'm crying and I feel the pain so deeply. I know you are in better hands now, and I can hear you saying to me "mama I'm flying"...now you can go anywhere now you are free but I miss u so very much. I have never missed anyone so. I know that you are now with Jesus......you are soaring. I feel your happiness......Please send my a sign to let me know your really okay I love you my son I love you so. How I ask can God take a child from his mother....why.why.why. I am filled with sorrow. I am the one who has survived you and when I think of you laying dead the pain rips me apart. This is what it is to have your child die. I CAN'T STAND IT...IT HURTS TO MUCH. You should be here/ I would trade places with you in a second if God would take me and give you back.
Fly, fly little wing Fly beyond imagining The softest cloud, the whitest dove Upon the wind of heaven's love Past the planets and the stars Leave this lonely world of ours Escape the sorrow and the pain And fly again
Fly, fly precious one Your endless journey has begun Take your gentle happiness Far to beautiful for this Cross over to the other shore There is peace forever more But hold this memory bittersweet Until we meet
Fly, fly do not fear Don't waste a breath, don't shed a tear Your heart is pure, your soul is free Be on your way, don't wait for me Above the universe you'll climb On beyond the hands of time The moon will, rise the sun will set But I won't forget
Fly, fly little wing Fly where only angels sing Fly away, the time is right Go now, find the light
I HAVE FOUND THAT MY TRUE, REAL FRIENDS NEVER SAY TO ME "CEASE TO GRIEVE".....MY REAL FRIENDS SAY LET ME GREIVE WITH YOU!
I HAVE FOUND THAT MY REAL FRIENDS...CALL ME AND CALL ME AGAIN, EVEN WHEN I DON'T RESPOND, EVEN IF I NEVER RESPOND BECAUSE THEY KNOW HOW I HAVE SUFFERED AND HOW I CONTINUE TO DO SO
I HAVE FOUND THAT SOME PEOPLE HAVE LEFT MY LIFE, ONLY TO GIVE ME THE OCCASIONAL PHONE CALL.....I KNOW THAT THEY JUST COULDN'T TAKE IT OR ME
I HAVE FOUND THAT SOME PEOPLE WHO SAID THEY LOVED ME AND MY DAUGHTER AND WOULD ALWAYS BE THERE FOR US...ARE GONE
I HAVE FOUND THAT PEOPLE I NEVER REALLY KNEW WELL HAVE BEEN THE MOST CARING AND COMPASSIONATE
I HAVE FOUND THAT I NEED A GREAT DEAL OF ALONE TIME
I HAVE FOUND THAT I MISS MY SON MORE THEN EVER AND THAT FEELING HAS NOT GONE AWAY BUT GOTTEN STRONGER
my private message in Italian for Joseph / MOM Read >>
my private message in Italian for Joseph / MOM
Mio caro figlio JOSEPH Io prego per voi ogni giorno come cerco di avvicinarsi a Dio. Mi deve credere in modo tale che so dove siete ...
Prego che la mia fede aumenti e che posso trovare conforto dal nostro caro Gesù con cui si cammina ancora. Voglio avere una più profonda fede in modo tale che ho veramente sapere che lei, Giuseppe a vivere e sono in attesa che io unisco a voi un giorno in paradiso
Il mio unico figlio, il mio Giuseppe Il mio cuore è il sanguinamento e il mio dolore mancanti si è così profonda Nessuno qui sulla terra, ad eccezione di altre mamme che hanno perso il loro figlio, capire. Mi sento pazzo e Numb. Lei è stato il mio bambino e mi sono sentita così di protezione di voi e ora il tuo morti, come posso stare. E 'così difficile e credo che ho let you down e mi sento così colpevole. Vorrei sono stati il coraggio di unirmi a voi e spero che al di là di speranza che veramente si riunirà me quando muoiono. Linda amo tanto e ha bisogno di me così tanto, ha bisogno di amore e la mia forza. Credo che io sono la spina dorsale della sua vita, proprio ora. Quindi, non posso lasciare adesso, ma un giorno mi come il mio dolore mancanti si è troppo grande. E nessuno sa veramente come mi sento. Penso di essere stato cercando di uccidere me stesso per gli ultimi tre anni, ma passivamente .. di oltre il fumare, mangiare, bere .. mi è stato solo di 200 libbre. Linnie è stato sconvolto su di me. Ho smesso di fumare, mangiare tutto ciò che alimenti e bevande .. ora non ho alcun uscire da questo profondo, profondo dolore e mi sento elicoidale all'interno senza dove andare, se non uscire da mancanti. mom loving you always
I'm not gone, I'm just out of sight I'm not gone, I'm just in the light. I'm not gone, I'm just out of hearing. I'm not gone, I'm with you in spirit. So, hug me often Even though you can't see me. Hug me often and tell me you love me I still see and hear all that you do. So hug me often, Cause I still love you too! Joseph .... stay close to your mom
May 8th / MOM
I had to come here to vent, to scream, to cry...I had to see your face, I want, WANT to hear your voice. My mind won't stop with the memories....thinking, thinking....it's a torture. I want you to come back now, it has been long enough. I want you to come back HEALED! Joseph you had no idea what this, your death would do to me, to my life. I know you were suffering. I live with that every day, that you were in such terrible pain. Linnie misses you so much. Today 3 years ago was Mother's Day.... you left us at what I believe was 4 AM. How the hell could I be asleep at the time you died...how the hell could I wake up and get ready for work and not know in my heart you left. I remember feeling strange that morning, I knew, just knew something was not right. Little did I know that in about two hrs. I would be called on my cell phone and told that you, my son, my child, you were dead. DEAD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! How can that be, while I remain here. I pray that you are happy. I offer up any suffering that I experience to God for you. You suffered so much now you must be, have to be..........HAPPY, finally HAPPY. I love you Joseph, always did -- always will. my heart is broken mom Close
MAY 9TH ....................-....................-.. / Mom (JOE'S MOM FOREVER )Read >>
MAY 9TH ....................-....................-.. / Mom (JOE'S MOM FOREVER ) Joe, Here I am again writing to you. Did I write this much to you when you were right here. Of course not. Did I tell you how much I loved you...That I know I did. I know you had to leave. I know how you felt and I know the pain you were in, the torture. Now I am in a different pain, a torture. I can not describe what this is like..to bury you only son, your flesh and blood. The day they buried your body they buried half of my heart with you. That part of my heart is gone. Remember when you and Linnie were young and you both would ask me "who do you love better", and I would say "I have two arms, would I want to lose one...NO, you are both my heart and I love you both desperately, completely and forever"....now one arm is missing, now half of my heart left with you. Joe, I hope that you were right and that there is an afterlife and I dream that when you arose down the path of light the angels were singing and you were light, and free and the happiest you could ever hope to be. I dream that grandpa was there to greet you with his arms opened wide. I bet he was overwhelmed with love for you. I think that he hugged you so very tight but at the same time gave you a smack on the rear and said "you naughty boy"...... I hope with every breath that I take that you are in an extremely happy and peaceful place. I hope that my tears and sorrow do not burden your soul. It is only "natural" for a mom's heart to break when her child is gone from this life. May 9th swiftly approaches and I am re-living each day up to that day...what you did, said, felt, what we did together...Little did I know it would be our final hug, our final I love you, our final kiss goodbye. You hugged me so tight...why oh why couldn't I know that it was the last. I love you baby....so so much, momClose
Brahms Lullaby for you in paradise my dearest son / Mom Read >>
Brahms Lullaby for you in paradise my dearest son / Mom
A full life turns neither from grief nor from joy. A full life becomes like that of Zora Neale Hurston, who wrote
"I have been in sorrow's kitchen and licked out all the pots. Then I have stood on the peaky mountain wrapped in rainbows, with a harp and a sword in my hands. "
To lick out all the pots of sorrow and still rejoice in rainbows: could we hope for a more prfound expression of gratefulness.
Joe, I am so grateful that I had you in my life. I loved you so much and I love you still. I feel you around me sometimes, I think I can hear your laugh in the distance. I have licked out all the pots filled with my sorrow and I have stood on the higest peak searching for a rainbow with hope in my heart that I will one day see you again.
Tributes and Condolences
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